Two years on.

Sent a link to an Avail record earlier. Was reminded about why I’m a little at a loss right now. Two years passed. One of them was locked up due to a preventable global pandemic.

The pandemic made me do a lot of thinking but little journaling. Spent time exercising. Body and mind. Put on ten pounds from eating decently and exercising almost daily. Those rest days matter. Help build endurance. Body and mind.

Mentally and emotionally I spent time cutting out the unnecessary. I didn’t do enough, but definitely put some things to the side of the car and drove off. They may still be at the side of the road, but it’s not my job to carry them along any longer. My gas mileage was getting a bit weak trying to tow along those people and those thought processes. I hope they can get moving on their own volition, but it’s far past the horizon now.

So now onto new horizons. It’s a time to mourn and remember, but not a time to turn around. Ever and always forwards. One more, unto the breach, my friends.

It’s been a bit.

My therapist tells me that journaling helps.  So does Brett at the Art of Manliness.  Definitely an interesting and introspective podcast and site.

I’ve recently had a blow out fight with a friend.  This was due to accusations from his wife on some behaviour that I simply cannot accept from said friend, due to it being completely unacceptable in any relationship.  No one should ever allow abuse to exist.

This got me thinking.  Due to accusations leveled at me concerning gaslighting.  Of course, when one gets accused of any actions that are normally against one’s character, I think that taking a moment or three, and really looking at one’s thought process is necessary.  Don’t react, but turn in and consider if these are true.  That took me down a rabbit hole of research, to find that at times, yes, I can exhibit some narcissistic behaviour.  Not full blown manipulative fuck wad stuff, but definitely a few little things.

We like to call that pride.

Overall, I’ve been through the ringer, I know what my motivations were, which is to insure safety and security for a woman who had dealt with a load of pain in her life, and a situation, no matter the outcome, that needs attention and unbiased advice.  I’m too close to it, and therefore had to step away.  That’s not only beneficial for me to not create a bad situation in my own head, but also due to my own biases.

To those involved, I wish you well, and health, and safety.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

A first Mother’s Day.

Since I’m enjoying relishing in my sorrow today, I may as well advertise it. Right?

I forgot it was Mother’s Day. Not that that is abnormal, I have no memory for these superfluous days anyway. Honor those you care about everyday, and that singular day brings about a load less necessity.

It’s my first of these without a mother though. That’s the rub. It’s the part that really hits you, is how you simply took the others for granted as obligation.

I’m at home. Attempting to numb myself as much as chemicals allow, and feel like I’m searching. Searching for anything that doesn’t frustrate me. Work is good practice. I can’t allow myself to be rude there. It’s other people’s paychecks that my behavior effects. Good morale zone. Otherwise I don’t really desire people around. Vegas will be a real challenge. I’ll make it through as always. Almost everything else is irritating though. Know it’s not intentional, but it’s the way it is currently.

I feel like I’m painting a horrible picture of my life, while actually everything should be awesome. I feel that I’m writing a monologue to an after school special.

Fuck it. More chemicals. Eventually I’ll numb out or I’ll hit the one that works.

After all, let’s get real cliche if we are writing a made for TV movie.

Almost a week.

And people respond weirdly to honesty. It shouldn’t surprise me that people have a hard time with hearing that mourning is occurring. That someone is in pain that time is the only cure.

I have no idea what the above formatting is about.

What I do know is that with this pain, I need to improve myself. Work harder. Fill that void. Fill it with joy. The joy I bring to others and to myself.

And take no shit. My mother realized that later in her life. Living in her honor is exactly that. My life is mine. No one has control, other than the shackles you permit.

Some things must change…

Time has been called. Meetings are scheduled. Signatures will occur. A day or two later, people will collect and mourn. And time will still move forward.

That’s when the pain will hit. You’ll see a cat meme and fall apart. You’ll see an interesting tree, and it’ll remind you of your childhood home. You’ll break a box down, and think of the forts you’ve made. You’ll see an atlas, and think of the care of sending postcards from all the places, and the descriptions given over the phone.

I miss you ma.

Copperhead road

Can’t escape the cliches around here. It seems the only time I write is after I’ve been by myself for hours. It’s rare back home. I joke about southern Missouri being stuck in 1975. It still is that, despite modernization occurring in odd little ways. Digital jukeboxes. People sitting at a bar staring at a tiny screen. I’m sure they appreciate the luxury, while keeping their minds in an archaic time which many of them barely remember.

Or I’m still just being full of snobbish preconceived notions. Let’s not discount that I’m still a city kid at heart.

I do appreciate the simplicity. Budweiser or Coors. Marlboro or Camel. I think that explains it well.

While I wait for my ma ‘s dinner time I should force food down me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle helping her eat. I’m sure I will. As I do. But I’ll be questioning things the next week about it.

Taco night at the retirement home.

I fed my mother tonight. Think on that for a bit.

Now that you’ve considered what that’s like, consider doing it to Fox News.

Southern Missouri is good for some, but honestly, I cannot imagine more personal suffering than that. It being a good point when she could feed herself pudding is a rough point to begin with. This visit would be tough, I knew that. I’m thankful she knew who I was briefly. Maybe two minutes over an hour and a half, this time. Watching the degenerative mental process reminds me of what is important. She’s not the woman who raised me, not for the most part.

Recently had a break up. I get it. Her daughters are a load of work, and the only way for her not to be exhausted is not having a boyfriend. I don’t think I was adding much to the stress, but some people don’t want a therapist before bed.

Be grateful. Remind yourself that life is fleeting, but there are exceptional points. Enjoy those. Don’t let it drag you into oblivion.

Emptying the Shells.

So.  Firstly, among the opinions on Kavanaugh, and Blasey Ford, let’s just get one thing straight here.  She’s mentioned him in counseling for over a decade.  Is she playing a really long game here, or did he actually commit sexual assault?  That’s all that this comes to.

Secondly, what the fuck is this complete tin foil hat bullshit of Trump being chosen by God?  See below article:

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/oct/03/the-trump-prophecy-film-god-election-mark-taylor

After mocking Blasey Ford, having a proven corrupt cabinet, and being accused of sexual assault and/ or harassment himself, we are going to say that this guy is who a deity is backing?!  If you’ve read my previous rants, you know that this doesn’t surprise me very much, namely because if you believe that there is a deity who is omnipotent and benevolent, you are sorely mistaken.  If your imaginary friend in the sky is really as benevolent as you think, then why would he support someone so obviously not?  What is the point of us even continuing to support someone who has little to no understanding of what worker’s rights mean, and doesn’t care a lick for your family, unless your daughter is attractive, in which he may attempt to cajole her into bed with him.

It’s mind numbing the amount of people who still are hoodwinked by this madman in the White House.  I’ll retract and change my opinion if anyone can use the scientific method to prove to me that this guy isn’t continuously falling apart, and is not a giant detriment to our common good, not only as a country, but also as a world.

And, just to remind any of you who may wish to begin debate, let me quote your own Bible:

“32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” – Luke 6: 32 – 35

Reading through this sounds like anger and depression.

Always weird how you present yourself to the public. I must be a huge curmudgeon to everyone… I’m actually really thankful. I’ve had the same up and down as everyone. Life isn’t easy. But life is full of great things. Beauty and how we experience it is breath taking. Those metaphorical roses and such. Take the time out and enjoy it. Really. Yea h, you’ll be the one weirdo looking at flowers, or savoring the nuances of your beer, or smelling the carmelization on the sweet potatoes. It’s ok. Take that moment in. It doesn’t ever return. Enjoy.

Another visit.

Shipping your childhood belongings from your parent’s place is never easy. It’s even more difficult when you’re saying goodbye to the last living one. I’m sorry for anyone doing that, as the nostalgia and grief is being rather rough for me currently. I realized recently what depression feels like. I suppose I process things pretty weirdly, as many people have been attempting to help me through this in ways that seem strange, and almost contrived.

Nothing anyone can do will bring back my mother. Seeing her slowly dying also isn’t helping. It’s been a year since her first stroke. At first it seemed she would bounce back, but it’s been a slow decomposition. The cycles of improvement and regression continue in a downward spiral.

I spend my time out here attempting to clear out her house that she’s forgotten existed. Less than a month before the stroke she finished her front porch construction. It’s a beautiful house that I’ve enjoyed visiting after my move to Colorado. It’s her home. She made it where she wanted to live.

I spent time today clearing her back shed. It reminded me how much she enjoyed the holidays. Sending her knick knacks to a rescue mission was another way to say goodbye. All while battling incredibly lethargic six millimeter and larger spiders. Had to say goodbye to some of those too.

No one is with you forever. Make sure your actions represent that.